Deployment one, done and over.
Deployment two, should be life changing.
So much has happened tumblr.
I’m being blackmailed,
I’m basically a homewrecker,
and I am happy how my life is going.
Who else has seen all I’ve seen, done what I’ve done, and got to be this person?
Vegas tomorrow.
Fun, fun.
Oh, if you only knew.
Oh my,
This may be a hard one, Tumblr.
First deployment. Bring it.
Alas, I never have good holidays. Maybe it’s karma. He keeps giving me reasons not to trust him, and here I thought he was perfect. What did I do? Did I make the biggest mistake of my adolescence?
I wish I could wake up and this would be a dream.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt pain more real than this…
It’s been awhile - eh?
Yeah….Alot has happened in these two months. My mind is everywhere and no where.
I wish I was as happy as I pretendto be on my facebook.
I don’t know, tumblr. I feel detached from my body,
away from my mind.
I wish I could just do something right, I’m trying, but I feel like I’m mentally growing backwords.
When did I become that huge needy brat?
I’ve never been like this - ever, with a guy.
Pft, a guy. He’s your soon to be betrothed.
He’s not just some guy.
Tumblr,
I’m
just
so
scared.
He’ll leave. I feel like I’m pushing him away.
I don’t know what I’m doing. I try to be happy,
When I’m happy he’s mad.
When I’m mad he’s happy.
Will we ever even out? Will we ever see eye to eye?
Or will I forever be treated like a child to be scolded?
She wasn’t even a huge factor is his life, so why do I personally attack?
Maybe because for that two-four-six whatever months.
She knew a part of him I never, did, never will.
And maybe, I should be thankful for that.
Sitting here I think, I have to constantly reinvent myself,
Ever since that September I changed it all.
I have to rebuild-retouch.
Learn to speak again.
I feel like I censor every thought, but what’s the point in not doing it when I know he does too?
He doesn’t tell me anything.
For once, almost a year later, I’m still completely clueless about my future.
I thought when you said “I do.” You were completely devoted to someone.
So why do I feel like I have to drag him behind me on a leash, like a stubborn dog that refuses to move. Who only comes around for food and play.
I just don’t know, this is the most confused I’ve been in a long time.
A long time.
And that’s saying something.
- - - - - -
Joely,
I’m sorry I didn’t get to see you. I know you may not read this anymore, nor even know this exist. I wish I could have seen you, maybe you would have understand.
I asked him twelve, thirteen times tonight - to tell me what was wrong.
Nothing.
No answer, no shrug worth my while..
I just, Couldn’t tell you how hard I’m trying with him.
You’d look at me and laugh and call me pathetic. But I’m in love, Joely.
And that’s what people in love do, they sacrifice.
I tried to plan a fun day, full of memories, of things to do for us.
He barely said ten words to me the whole day, if it wasn’t mean looks or comments.
I just wanted us to have fun together again, like we used to.
*sigh* Joely, if you were here - you’d understand what I am feeling, wouldn’t you?
Or would you make me feel even lower than I already am?
This is Karma right?
And still my soul can’t feel any more heavier.
its like a disease. I just like seeing people miserable. Does this make me a bad person?
I swear one day, karma is going to royally fuck me in the worst way. =/
I all that’s left?
I never thought I’d be this person.
I still feel like my skin is changing around my bones.
And who I am, is who i’ll always be..
a mess of confusion in this situation I call my life.
But, I’m happy I have you.
And Hachi will always understand.
Oh Tumblr,
How things have changed since I’ve last formerly wrote in you.
I’m nothing but scared now. Scared, I won’t make it last with him.
Scared, I’ll loose him somehow.
Scared, my karma will kick me in the ass.
I never really was an angel, between many married men, cheating, hell, I played the victim so many times.
And now I have whom I assume is the love of my life,
If anything, I have to behave for him.
So why do I feel chained?
A year ago I wanted to be free, to leave IL to rest my toes in the sand.
Did I get away just to resort back to my own ways?
No, I’ve grown up more than that…yet, I feel like a stranger in my own skin, I don’t even recognize myself.
Who was that monster back then?
Who was this angel now?
I had/have dreams, the west coast wasn’t what it seems,
But as Daddy always told me,
“You cant have roots and wings, sugarbean.”
And it began again,
something new blossomed from the depths of something I knew nothing about.
Who are you stranger and why do I feel so alive?
You’re nothing but average, you have no special skills,
yet you light up my heart and make it burst.
Six months now, and going strong.
I hope my heart only holds lovefor you.
